If you suffered trauma in your early years, you may perceive and experience adult relationships differently.

Perhaps you don’t always feel safe, or you approach confrontation with caution or avoidance. These are all natural and legitimate options.

If you’re feeling this way or facing relationship difficulties, remember that you’re not alone.

According to McMaster University researchers, almost three out of every five Canadian individuals aged 45 to 85 have had “adverse childhood experiences,” which include abuse, neglect, intimate partner violence, or other home difficulties.

According to a 2017 survey, one in every eight individuals worldwide has encountered childhood sexual abuse, and one in every four has reported physical abuse.

Childhood trauma is not as rare as you may imagine.

Even if it seems difficult at times, healing is possible, as are improved relationships and a higher quality of life.

What is Childhood Trauma?

Childhood trauma is an umbrella word. It relates to any traumatic events you may have had as a youngster.

Examples include 

• Physical assault
• Sexual abuse
• Natural calamities
• Loss of loved one or desertion
• Foster care, or
• Any other occurrence where you felt terrified, powerless, appalled, or overwhelmed.

Because everyone experiences life differently, what is traumatic for one person may not be for another. What actually important is how you interpreted the scenario and how you felt.

If children get enough loving and care, they are considerably less likely to develop trauma-related symptoms. On the other side, if the parents or caregivers do not provide adequate support, or if they were the source of the trauma, the kid is more likely to suffer negative consequences from it.

Complex trauma, defined as prolonged exposure to traumatic events or experiences, can be especially pervasive.

Childhood trauma may have an influence on relationships because we develop emotional attachments early in life. As a result, when those we rely on for survival harm us or are unavailable, it might influence how we perceive human connection.

Age might also be an important factor. Our brains grow quickly from birth to toddlerhood. In general, the older you are when you experience trauma, the less influence it has on your future relationships. For example, suppose you were 14 rather than 4.

However, this is not always the case. Many additional factors come into play, including the severity of the trauma, how long you were exposed to it, and how frequently it occurred.

Another issue is if you had other satisfying interactions at the time, such as family members, loving instructors, church leaders, or other adults who made you feel protected.

Impact of childhood trauma on adult relationships

Childhood trauma may have a wide range of consequences on how you interact with adults. This is not the case for everyone, but it might be for some.

Attachment styles

Your early experiences form your beliefs about the world, whether it’s a safe place, a dangerous place, or somewhere in the middle.

This is where attachment theory may come into play: how you interact with people to develop or avoid closeness.

According to this hypothesis, our adult relationships tend to reflect those we formed with our main caregivers.

Based on this, there are four primary attachment styles:

Secure

A person with this attachment style is receptive to developing trustworthy and deep relationships with others. They don’t hesitate to love and be loved. They do not shun closeness and do not rely only on another person.

Anxious or anxious-preoccupied

Those who have this attachment type may suffer intense fear of abandonment as well as a persistent desire for validation. Furthermore, they may believe that their spouse does not show enough interest in them.

Dismissive-avoidant

A person with this attachment style may be afraid of emotional closeness. This may cause individuals to avoid becoming too close to others or to distrust their significant others. As a result, they are frequently emotionally inaccessible.

Fearful-avoidant

People with this attachment type may seek the attention and love of their significant ones while avoiding emotional closeness on their own. They may need to be loved and cared for, yet they prefer to avoid deep romantic connections.

The latter three attachment methods are termed “insecure attachments.” These may provide special obstacles in adult relationships.

If you identify with any of the previous three types, be gentle with yourself as you begin to recover. Attachment styles are not something you would desire to do every day. They come from early events that were beyond your control. 

These responses are not conscious decisions; they represent our brain’s ability to adapt and live in a non-nurturing environment. And they can be addressed and conquered.

Trust challenges

It is not ordinary to have difficulty trusting individuals if you have experienced certain early life experiences.

You may struggle to trust that your spouse will be there for you when you need them, or that they will respect your needs and limits.

Even if your partner expresses love for you, you may still mistrust it.

Communication styles

Childhood trauma might also influence how you communicate with people as an adult.

Your communication style may mirror what you were taught as a youngster.

For example, if you grew up in a household with regular screaming battles, you may recreate same exchanges with your partner. You may believe that this is how to handle disagreement in a relationship.

You may also have difficulty verbally expressing your feelings or discussing what is important to you.

Some communication styles that may be connected to how others interacted with you or others early in your life are:

• Passive: indirect, self-denying, or apologetic
• Passive-aggressive: emotionally dishonest and self-enhancing at the expense of others
• Aggressive: inappropriate for some situations, blaming, controlling, direct, and attacking

Communication styles are learned and developed over time. Similarly, you may unlearn them and find alternative methods to communicate.

Trauma Reenactment

In other situations, you may engage in relationships that duplicate or reinforce what you learned as a youngster. This is known as trauma reenactment.

You may find yourself repeating childhood patterns and putting yourself in situations where you will be injured emotionally or physically.

This is not a personal choice. It might be a defensive mechanism that drives you to seek something familiar. It might also be an unconscious attempt to recover by repeating the same obstacles.

If the trauma is not resolved, [people] will automatically seek the comfort of the known, even if it hurts.

Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence (EQ) is the capacity to identify and control one’s own emotions as well as those of others in various settings.

In other words, it concerns consciousness and emotional management.

People who have been through childhood trauma may have a more difficult time developing these qualities.

Think about it like this: Childhood trauma may have hampered the development of all the instruments required for your emotional toolbox.

Here are some instances of how EQ may emerge in relationships:

• Collaboration and cooperation.
• empathy.
• Emotional self-awareness.
• The ability to convey your feelings.
• The capacity to discern how the other person is experiencing.
• You have a propensity to assess your reactions.
• Ability to hesitate before reacting.
• Accountability.
• Ability to connect your ideas and feelings to your actions.
• The ability to connect your actions to the emotional responses of others.

Someone who has been through childhood trauma may struggle to acquire one or more of these EQ qualities.

However, emotional intelligence (EQ) is a skill set that can be learnt and improved at any age. It may be added to your toolbox when you start healing.

Mental Health Conditions

According to research, childhood trauma may be linked to the development of certain mental health issues such as anxiety and depression.

All of these factors may have an impact on your interpersonal connections.

Only a skilled mental health experts can identify these illnesses and explain how some of the symptoms influence your relationships.

Working on Trauma Resolution

Healing from childhood trauma is possible. There are several methods to begin your journey toward feeling healthier and developing more satisfying relationships.

Therapy

Psychotherapy, often known as talk therapy, may be an effective approach to process your past and analyze how it may be influencing your present.

Having the help of a trauma specialist makes a difference. They’ll be able to listen to you without passing judgment and walk you through the process of improving your relationships and being more self-aware.

Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR)

 is considered the first-line treatment of trauma.Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), particularly imagery rescripting, can also help address traumatic reactivity and trauma-related thoughts and memories. In fact, research shows that this type of CBT may be beneficial for treating childhood trauma as well.

Inner work

Awareness may also be a personal way to recovery. Here are some works that look at trauma from different viewpoints or address key components of relationships:

• “The Body Keeps The Score” by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk
• “Attached” by Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller
• “Keeping the Love You Find” by Dr. Harville Hendrix
• “How to Be an Adult in Relationships” by David Richo
• “If You’re in My Office, It’s Already Too Late” by James J. Sexton, ESQ
• “Extraordinary Relationships” by Dr. Roberta M. Gilbert

Relationship care

You may choose to share specifics about your horrific event, or you may not. Both alternatives are legitimate and completely up to you.

If you are ready to share, you can tell individuals around you that you are aware that your childhood trauma may be influencing your relationship dynamics and that you are actively working on yourself.

If you feel prepared and secure, consider discussing bits and parts of your tale with your spouse or others to offer context. You may not have to divulge everything at once. You may take it one step at a time to see how it feels.

If you and your loved ones are receptive to it, couples therapy might be a valuable option to consider.

Self-care

It’s critical to fill your own cup while you attempt to restore your connections. Working with a qualified trauma-informed therapist may be quite beneficial, but you may also wish to engage in certain self-loving activities that complement your healing journey. There are certain scientifically proven lifestyle changes you may make to improve your overall quality of life. Some of these include:

• Diet. A well-balanced diet rich in nutrient-dense foods may improve your overall health.
• Exercise. At least 30 minutes of moderate activity, five days a week, can improve your health.
• Mindfulness. Some disciplines, such as yoga and meditation, might help you relax.
• Sleep. Sleeping 7 to 9 hours every night can help reduce cognitive fog and chronic discomfort.
• Reflection. Setting aside a few minutes every day to journal or process your day could help you work on self-awareness and emotional regulation.

Parting Notes

Following a traumatic occurrence, you may feel tempted to distance yourself from friends and social activities, but having in-person connections with others is essential for rehabilitation. A simple face-to-face conversation with another person might trigger chemicals that reduce acute stress.

The Insight Clinic recognizes that seeking therapy with bravery is the first step toward healing. Our skilled therapists specialize in providing compassionate and competent care to those on the path to trauma recovery. We offer a secure, friendly environment in which you may discuss your experiences, process your emotions, and build appropriate coping strategies. Make an appointment with us now to begin the process of recovering your health. 

Take the first step towards a happier, healthier you by booking your online therapy session now. Our compassionate therapists are here to support you every step of the way.